I recently went back through to read every blog I’ve posted. As I was reading through them, I noticed that there are various topics that I keep bringing up across multiple blogs. At first, I thought this was a bad thing that I keep repeating main points. That people are probably getting annoyed or tired of hearing the same point said in different ways or in a different light. But as I thought about it more, I think that’s what this blog is for. If you’re someone that maybe doesn’t need to hear these messages anymore or feels like they’re already engrained in you, then I think that’s a good thing. Because I imagine there are some people that, besides reading these blogs, have very few conversations about mental health. So the repitition of ideas helps to make it more mainstream. So when I had two blog topics around a similar idea, I initially thought I had to just pick one of the two. Both had to deal with the idea of not saying/doing anything out of the fear of embarrassment or judgement. But I decided I think it’s important to continue the conversation, even if the topics seem repeated. So this blog may resemble some old ideas, but I think it’s different enough to help.

A couple weeks ago I went up to the high school field to run before work (humble brag). On my way back home, I had morning talk radio on in the car and they were in the middle of interviewing a singer. I couldn’t tell who he was by his voice, but they were just asking him general questions about quarantine and how things have changed. I only live a couple minutes from the high school, so I didn’t get to hear enough to find out who it was on the drive home. As I was about to pull in the driveway, the radio host started telling the artist how many people he is helping and how awesome his song is. When I pulled in the driveway and was about to turn off the car, something made me keep it on. It was just a weird feeling of needing to know who this person was. I just sat in the car parked in my driveway for like 5 or 10 minutes waiting to see who it was. They finally mentioned that it was an artist named Jake Miller and they were talking about his song “Saved Me”. I went inside and immediately pulled up the song and lyrics. Basically, the song is about a guy who was essentially at rock bottom before he met someone, who saved him. And about how he was drowning and almost gave up before they were able to help bring him back up. As I was sitting there reading the lyrics, I was just like, This can’t be a coincidence. There’s a reason why I felt the urge to sit in the driveway and figure out who this was. This is what I need to write a blog about. Admittedly, I probably just was looking far too much into a coincidence, but I started writing the blog that night.

I started writing about how no matter how down you feel or how broken you feel, you can make your way out of that dark hole. That it doesn’t matter how far down you‘ve fallen, there always is someone that can help pick you back up. To help you hope again when you no longer can. And how inspiring all of these people are that have been at the bottom, that kept fighting, that kept hoping, and made their way back into the light . I just wanted to give hope to that person right now that’s sitting at the bottom, worried they’re about to drown. That maybe doesn’t see a way back up. To hopefully let them know that they’re not alone and that they don’t have to fight their way back up alone. And while I whole heartedly believe those things and truly hope these blogs are able to help someone in that situation, for some reason I just didn’t feel like the message resonated from me. It just felt off. I was frustrated because I still had that weird feeling that I needed to write about this topic. That someone really needed to hear it. And I was just letting someone down.

I think it was the next day I went on a walk at night and was listening to Scott Van Pelt interview a golfer, Chris Kirk, on his podcast. Chris had taken time off from golf to focus on a mental health struggle and was trying to make his way back into golfing again. SVP asked Chris when the moment was that he really knew he needed to step away to get help. He told SVP the story about one weekend he was in New Orleans for a golf tournament, but didn’t make the cut. He said he had a Sunday morning event to do so he wasn’t planning on going out. So he was in his hotel by himself planning on going to bed early, but the next thing he knew he woke up, hungover with empty bottles all around him. He didn’t leave the room that night and he woke up in time to sober up and make his event, but in that moment he knew that he couldn’t control his anxiety/depression and alcoholism any longer. As he was telling SVP this, Scott mentioned that he was really proud/happy for him that Chris was able to have that awareness, but also made the point that a drunken night in New Orleans is hardly anything out of the ordinary. And that, objectively, his realization moment is something that probably happens most nights on Bourbon street and isn’t something that always resonates with rock bottom. Chris echoed that sentiment and said it was a clear moment where he knew he needed help, but he was lucky it wasn’t at the cost of something worse.

As I was listening to this, I started thinking about my own situation. About my own moment. Because the truth is, I never hit rock bottom. I was never at such a low point in my life where there was really no other option but to seek help. I had a loving family, felt like I had some great friends, was doing really well in school. Objectively there wasn’t really anything “rocky” about my situation. I think the “moment” was the night I’ve mentioned before where I was walking up and down the football field late at night wondering what was going on. And while that obviously isn’t desirable, it’s not something I’d say signified myself being stuck at the bottom and drowning. As I was going through this in my head, I think it all kind of hit me why the original blog post didn’t resonate. I didn’t think I could preach to someone about “what to do at rock bottom” when I’d never been. I’d never experienced what that feels like. But it also gave me some hope. Because it was at that moment I realized what I actually needed to talk about. And it was at that moment that the weird feeling I had in that driveway was validated about why I needed to wait to hear that story and write this blog.

My sister has been watching How I Met Your Mother recently and as I was sitting down to pivot my blog topic, I was reminded of an old episode. In the episode, Marshall and Lilly have a baby and they are overwhelmed with the responsibilites. They enact a rule that Ted, Barney, and Robin can’t come to them with an issue/problem unless it’s an “8 or higher”. That is, unless their problem is objectively at least an 8 out of 10 in magnitude they shouldn’t reach out to them for help. If it’s less than that, the given problem or struggle is not worthy of a call for help. Sometimes I worry that’s how our society feels about mental health. And sometimes it’s not even society telling us not to reach out, it’s our own assumption that people would not want us to reach out unless our problems are objectively an “8 or higher”. Our assumption that other people wouldn’t see it as a justifiable reason to be struggling or needing help. This honestly was one of the biggest internal struggles I went through when first struggling with mental health. I was scared of the idea that I could explain my situation and my feelings to someone and the response might be, “Really, that’s it? That’s what’s going on? Everything seems fine, but you just have to leave places and go on walks?” Or what if a person I tell this to (or finds out about my struggles) is currently going through something much worse? I just felt like my struggle didn’t really warrant a call for help. Because objectively, it really wasn’t anything that bad. It wasn’t “rocky”. It wasn’t an “8 or higher”. Coupled with this fear of judgement/unjustifiable call for help, there also naturally is an embarrassment factor. I think we tend to think of struggles in terms of this objectiveness. And if our struggle doesn’t seem like it’s an “8 or higher” to other people, it can feel embarrassing that you’re struggling with it. That it shows you’re weak. Kevin Love is someone that truly opened my eyes to all of this when he talked about his fear of getting judged for struggling when he’s a multi-millionaire athlete. I think he said it best when he said, “Speak your truth. Nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say”.

So if you are sitting there right now and feel like you’re at rock bottom, I won’t claim to know what you’re going through. I won’t try to tell you some advice that may not resonate coming from someone that hasn’t been at those depths. But I really do hope that these blogs can bring you a sense of hope when it feels like there isn’t any. That this can be the thing that helps you extend your hand and allow someone to help bring you back up. But maybe you’re not at rock bottom. Maybe you just feel yourself slowly sliding down, but you haven’t hit the bottom. And I just want that person to know, it doesn’t have to be rock bottom to call out for help. You don’t have to wait until you get to the bottom before you ask someone to help bring you back up. I know it’s tough to do. I know there’s all of these internal fears that people will think you’re weak or your struggle doesn’t warrant that call. But struggles aren’t objective. And the truth is most people are internally struggling with their own problems that are never shown to the outside world. Everyone is going through something. So don’t feel like your struggle is any less significant than the next persons. It’s not. You don’t have to feel embarrassed that you struggle. We all do. And it’s not weak to admit you’re struggling with something, it’s an act of strength. So don’t follow along with the scale. Don’t hold your struggle to yourself if it’s not an “8 or higher”. It’s nothing to embarrassed or ashamed of. It doesn’t have to be rocky to ask for help.